When I’m Queen of the Universe

I was gonna write these up in a Facebook note but then I got all paranoid about ownership and copyright issues. Weird.

Anyway: My Queen of the Universe Platform / List of Proclamations

1. Proselytization is punishable by death. Zero tolerance. You want to set up a storefront or a website or a mail-order business telling people about your god(s), have at it. But you start knocking on people’s doors or invading their countries and telling them they have the wrong gods, and you will vanish without a trace. [Clarification: I don’t mean my personal guard will come and kidnap you. I mean you’ll just spontaneously vaporize. Poof.]
2. All public trash cans that look like barrels with two legs and round heads shall be painted to look like R2D2.
3. Some kind of kilt subsidy. I used to think I would proclaim Tuesdays as Utilikilt Day, but I don’t want to make it too structured. I just want more men to wear kilts, more of the time.
4. Ban advertising. (In part just to see what happens if people only buy things they actually need, or that they happen across and find delightful. Also because I think advertising is a corrosive force, spiritually and psychologically speaking.)
5. No patents for life forms. I feel like genetically modified organisms are a giant Promethean Frankenstein nightmare waiting to happen, but I also think that viral genetic medicine is interesting and potentially beneficial, and I love the Golden Rice concept, so I don’t really know how far to take this one.
6. No Christmas music before Thanksgiving. And no “holiday medleys” of any kind. The severest penalties will be reserved for medleys of holiday music composed after 1900, played on “classical” instruments like violins and cellos and piano, and then broadcast by stations that should be playing actual classical music.